Do you have it in You !

Do you have it in you !

Circa 2006 A D

I have a hazy recollection of the morning e-mail which read something like “School of Management - placements end in a record 4 days". I had a callous indifference to the entire process because, I was already placed. There was a breeze of anxiety though, because of my buddies.

It seems entirely wonderful to me now that i look back at the placement process. To observe the events and probably enjoy the show ,that was my chief form of entertainment. It might sound terrible and satanical but i can’t tell you how much I have enjoyed it all.

None of our high-flying theories actually saved us or the heroic fortitude that we thought we possessed! What was it that saved us?

" ALPHA, BRAVO, CHARLIE, DELTA ….

No, not referring to a scene out of a WWII movie, though the atmosphere in the ground floor presentation room could not have been less serious. We, the sacrificial lambs, had gathered there at 7 am , and were ready to be ‘sorted out’ to be interviewed by people in suits from companies. These same companies had dutifully made the pilgrimage to give their side of the story and the rosy picture throughout December in elaborate corporate presentations, and now they were ready to pick and choose the best bits of flesh from the carcass of the student body of School of Management.

So, I stayed up all night, as did most of the other inmates in the Hostel. Plan was to take a quick ‘look’ and digest concepts from management subjects – that which was to be done in two years time -in a night out session. However, like the rabbit that sees the boa constrictor approach and can’t do a darned thing to save its life, it was almost in an unreal, dazed state, I found myself as the dawn was breaking on placement day. The whole night had been spent in imagining and reimagining things in agonizing detail over the ways an interview could go. And all these resulted in the inevitable conclusion”Which poor chump of a company was going to take me !!!!!”. All I said and done, I decided my angle in the interviews should be to play the sympathy card – though sympathy for what, that seemed to be the hardest part!

Bumba came into my room at 6:3o- am, all showered, shaved and dressed, but still looking like a crazy manic. I think he spent the entire night hypnotizing himself to believe to be the best student in class.. he looked strangely happy, almost the happiness of the man who is riding the steps of the gallows and knows that the torture is going to end soon.. it made me nauseous just to look at his bright smile and jaunty confidence. However, I took a quick shower and Bumba’s trusted motorcycle soon deposited us on the steps of the school.

The place was bustling and the placement committee was moving around with a sort of eerie tightlippedness, refusing to meet anyone’s eye, armed with walkie-talkie. They herded us in to the presentation room in the ground floor, and kept speaking in low voices over their rode - though the answer was usually static from the other end. I now understood what the Jewish inmates at the concentration camps must have felt as they watched their guards, before boarding the death-trains to the gas chambers. I managed to find a place and decided to focus on breathing normally before I was called in –it would be a shame if the candidate was going to die of a heart attack during the interview. And I also knew, if that happened the placement committee would probably also have demanded a fine from my parents !! I imagined they managed to close more fines successfully than they did companies during their tenure.

Oh, and in the meanwhile Kanda had sauntered down to SOM from the hostel, determined to play his role of the universal cheerleader. I guess he was the only person that day who had a proper breakfast – the bugger had removed himself from the placement process by accepting an offer from the company where he did his summers.

So, soon people were being called left right and centre. The Chief was running in and out of the room like an energizer bunny complete with a military sergeant’s voice “Move! Move!”-as if we were going to mount an assault on the company people in the interview rooms and soon people started to streaming out. very soon, a loud cheer erupted outside which I took to be someone scoring a job [it was in fact a fellow colleague , getting an Indfosys offer- tragically he passed away the following year in an unfortunate accident].

As I was sitting there, I suddenly realized, that I have not been called yet. Bumba had slunk off for an F-Clerx interview and had not re-appeared so far. I was half wondering whether my name was even in the interviewee panel, when I suddenly heard, Josie’s voice, peace be upon him, through the radio “Citybank ! Kaustav for Citybank”. He sounded like an agent at the “Lost and Found” at the railway station, announcing for parents to come and pick up their stray child.

The Citybank folks were roosting in a different building so I beat a hasty step towards there. I found Josie in the lobby, hanging half out of the window, trying to either

a) catch a signal for his walkie-talkie

b) kill himself

On investigation, I found it to be the former ,as Josie confirmed by speaking a series of gobbledygook into the receiver. The only discernible words were “Alpha! Bravo! Charlie! Delta !”, which he kept repeating with a fanatic frenzy over and over again. I believe, though I can’t back it up, that he was trying to conduct a small war in Rwanda, along with managing our placement schedule.

“Hi Kaustav,” he grimaced” Where were you? You were supposed to be here much earlier” he added petulantly.

“Sorry Josie, it was such a nice day, I decided not to fly. I walked here. It takes time”

“Yeah, yeah wiseass. They are waiting for you. Now go”.

The Citybank guy was pretty nice and began by asking some easy questions about I, me, myself. He did not dwell on my grades [good], but got stuck in with questions about statistics [bad]. I deflected as best as I could, went through a second round of the same by another team, and was promptly shooed off. As I came out, Josie was not to be seen anywhere. He was probably hiding in the lobby again, directing his imaginary troops.

As I took the elevator down, I met Bumba waiting in the lobby for the ride up. He was wearing a borrowed coat two sizes too big and a confidence several sizes bigger. He nonchalantly told me that he had gotten through F-Clerx, and he can’t understand what the fuss is all about, and what’s the big deal about placements anyway. He slapped me jauntily on the shoulders before disappearing inside the lift.

I trudged back to HQ, and pretty soon it was the JBM folks who wanted to have a word with me. I went in thinking, “Well, this should be easy – how picky can IT companies be?” As it turned out, very.

They took over the proverbial charcoals about my summer project and did not stop till after about 35 minutes. By that time I had run out of corners to hide and simply said to any question “I don’t know”. They took mercy on me and threw me out – I knew then what those poor sugarcane must have felt as they went through the grinder.

So that’s two strikeouts. I came out and sat dazed under the tree in front of the building trying to make sense of it all. As I was trying to calculate companies I had left, I realized it was only Zipro left in the first half of the day. Indfosys had rejected me much earlier, due to some #@$% norms about getting 70% in Class XII, which I had missed by a wide margin. And by the looks of it, Indfosys was handing out offers by the dozen.

As I sat there ruminating, I must have made a pretty bad sight, and soon Kanda and Bumba joined me. They started by giving me a pep talk, more on the lines of a good cop-bad cop routine.

Kanda ” You can do it! You are the good, the great ……”

Bumba “Do you realize you look like a fu***** as*****, if you sit there like that, you *******”

Kanda” You will surely crack Zipro, you are bound too, the wheel is turning….”

Bumba “ And don’t come of the room till the **** *****, give you a job, and don’t give any **** excuses”

To this day, let it be noted, I believe that that conversation is the single most important event that happened to me on placement day. And it saved me.

And for that I cannot thank the two protagonists, Kanda and Bumba enough.

Soon it was Zipro. The interview went smoothly, the job offer followed, and soon there were a few others. But now when I look back, four years later, I remember vaguely all my interviews , even the funny ones and a long day melting into evening – I remember all the events though the particular details are lost and strong emotions have lost their sharpness. However, I will always equate the day with the conversation under the tree with two of my closest friends at School of Management. Gautam Buddha achieved his nirvana under a tree, so the story goes.

I was given courage. " ( Courtesy :Kaustav)

To be Continued ......

But it Rained ! - Part - II

No , No , No for heaven's sake this was not a dream (I wish it was!), If it were a dream,

Scenario 1 (Hollywood)

The water inside the bar turns into an enormous Mega tsunami and flows into the streets of Mumbai. Rain is pouring all over the city and the city is now flooded with water. People are on the streets and there are rescue helicopters all over the sky, flashing search lights, Motor boats with cops and emergency ambulance services.

Our Hero all muscular and macho dressed in cargo pants, tight T-shirt and with army boots suddenly discovers that the bar in which he was having a booze is about to submerge , he immediately leaps into the waters, abandons his Harley Davidson and sets out in search for his girl.

He swims half the distance and then manages to find a motor boat and speeds his way through the flooded streets of Mumbai all the way from Powai to Dadar, finds it difficult to maneuver through the narrow streets of Dadar, but successfully finds his way till the Dadar station, without asking for directions.

Trains are running ( Surprisingly ) , and our guy jumps from the top of the bridge to land on top of the train , stands rock solid on top of the train ,baring the rain and of course the train which now speeds towards CST.

Our Guy takes out a Light Machine Gun from his trouser pocket and starts firing rounds at the people ( Terrorists) who are planning an attack on Washington & New York ( I guess a Nuclear Attack ). Successfully eliminates the entire group of almost 5000 odd people with a rocket launcher from his T-shirt pocket. The train speeds and finally reaches CST.

Our fellow takes the help of a local Taxi and reaches Nariman point, now an entire commando team is ready to take orders from him. He directs them to arrange for backup and then single handedly climbs the Air India building and jumps from there with the help of a parachute and lands successfully into the Arabian Sea and swims all the way to the middle of the sea, where the terrorists have our heroine as hostage. Our fellow is not armed, but fights the 100 odd men who are armed to teeth with an ordinary dagger and his fist. Finally deactivates the armed nuclear weapon by reprogramming it with the help of an apple palmtop (Yet to be released in the market).

Secures his girl and kisses her gently and then passionately and rescues her from them and takes her to the motor boat and speeds it all the way to the marine drive, he still has unfinished business.

He searches from one end to another on the marine drive, the clock is ticking, and he has just 3 minutes on the clock. He borrows the taxi from the local taxi driver and makes another surveillance, all are tensed, the clock is ticking there is just 1.5 Minutes on the clock. He goes to the nearby cloth store and borrows some waste cloth ( What ? Keep reading ). He now gets down and ties a rope around his waist and jumps into the water. It’s all dark inside, he swims across and there is only 30 seconds left on the timer.

The whole world is waiting with bated breath, as our guy struggles his way to find the wall built across the sea. With just 5 seconds to go, our hero detects the hole in the wall which is the main cause for the mega tsunami and almost suffocating himself to death, stuffs the cloth into the hole to prevent water passing through it into the city. The clock shows 0:00 and It’s done. The whole world jumps with joy and all are in tears. All are waiting for our hero. There is a long pause, people are waiting.......

Our fellow resurfaces from the water and people jump with joy and commandos salute him with respect. Our heroine runs all the way to meet him, they kiss passionately and everybody around them jumps with excitement.

The screen goes blank and Movie credits roll with a background score.

Our hero could have made use of the table in the bar as a boat to row all the way to the main entrance and would have had a matrix style of fight with the manager...

That’s the Sequel; you have to wait till next summer.




Scenario 2 (Bollywood)

A wedding party on its way home, stops to rest under a banyan tree on which lives a ghost (You heard it right !Keep reading ). The bride lifts her veil and the ghost falls in love with her (Yeah! The Ghost falls in love. In Bollywood there is no discrimination). Soon after they arrive, the groom has to go away on a business trip to Timbuktu for five long years.

He returns back and passes under the same banyan tree (I still haven’t figured out why he passed under the same banyan tree, so has the Ghost), and the ghost, surprised and curious (I believe I shall make it clear to you after the ghost has finished dancing around the trees), takes on the guise of a man to find out his destination. Once he knows the situation, he takes the form of the young man, and goes to the village home. To explain his return to the business-minded father, he invents the story of a saint who has promised him five gold coins if he stays at home. But to the bride he tells the truth.

Blurred and Confused or Overburdened and Confused?? Keep Reading and am sure that you will end up in an old rubbish-heap of confusions.

Coming back to the Story........

The young woman accepts her ghostly lover and they live together for three years. When she is pregnant at last (I am at a loss to understand, forget it!), her real husband, surprised by the news (No wonder!), hurries home.

The father and the villagers are confronted with two identical sons. The father (Still pondering, what went wrong) would prefer to disown the real son for obvious moral reasons, as well as the gold coins. But the villagers, keen to embarrass him, for he is a rich man, demand justice.

A controversy rages while the young woman writhes in long and painful labor. Finally a girl is born (They name her Xena the warrior princess), but the woman refuses to comment on the strange happenings. The two men are led away by the villagers who have decided to take them to court.

On the way the real husband asks the ghost (if he wanted to have a beer, the ghost politely refuses because it is allergic to Spirit) who he is. He is the spirit, says the ghost, that lives under the skin of every woman, and thus has the right to love them all (I wish I was the Ghost!). Before they reach the court, however, the villagers meet a wise shepherd who tricks the ghost into a bag (Yes, you heard it right, A bag) which is thrown into a deep well. The real husband returns home in triumph (Almighty Save him!). His wife silently picks up her homely tasks again with tragic submission, for it is the ghost whom she loves! (No wonder!)


How is this relevant to my story? Who said it is!, No wonder its Bollywood.

I guess its time that you all need therapy....


Scenario 3 (Teakwood)

The Alarm bell did not wake me up. I tried to pinch myself, only to realize that the vast unexplored land of dreams turned out to be barren with no signs of greenery to save me from the clutches of death (Yeah! It’s a little overstated, but kindly bear with me! )

I was still standing on the table and was trying to keep my balance intact. The loud cry was from the kitchen and the waiter was hit by a terrible electric shock. Let me share with you some details, I was not feeling tipsy anymore, in proper Hindi lingo " Ek second main Nasha uthargaya tha ". I felt the pristine freshness of Spring, I was so fresh that I could right away take up an exam in Finance or Decision Models (I hope it Rudely reminded me of life's serious issues, Sometimes life leaves you with no choice).All of us fell into a dreamy silence, each one of us trying to remember our loved ones and cursing each other for having landed up in such a situation.

I felt it was about time to get into the very vestibule of death. I very carefully sank my legs into knee deep water. It was an eerie feeling. (Btw I discovered that I was Alive and Kicking). I now leapt into the water and tried to wade through it and get out of the premises as soon as possible, Nirvana and Bumba followed suit and we took the inner stairs to reach the top and decided to climb down the stairs of an adjoining hotel. While doing so, I asked Nirvana and Bumba if they paid the Bill, The expression which they gave me was keenly intellectual. All I understood was that we had to run. So as you all might be aware of the

#1 the first rule of Booze Club, which enunciates that “In case of any Eventuality be ready for a “FIGHT” or a “FLIGHT” more so, for the latter.

We followed it in LETTER and HIGH SPIRITS.

By the time we were outside the premise a huge crowd had collected and the overhanging electric wire had snapped and had fallen on the ground. A few officials from the Electricity department some cops were also present there to minimize any damages. The rain was incessant , it was still pouring in torrents , Bumba tried to start his vehicle which was submerged substantially in water and finally he managed to start it , all three of us were on the vehicle and even before we realized, all the three of us were on the ground , I don’t know whom to blame it on

Let’s See

a> Alcohol
b> Rains
c> Potholes on the Road
d> All the above
e> Any of the Above

But If I were to bet my life, it would be the invisible option f> - "BUMBA”. With all due respects, he can be safely considered as miserable & pathetic when it comes to driving. (No offence Meant). So we decided to walk all the way back to our hostel and Bumba would not listen, he drove his bike along with us at the same pace as we were walking. It was not that he wanted to give us company but he had no choice. The roads inside the campus were inundated with water, the storm drains were full. We could not make out the difference between the roads and the storm drains. It appeared as if it was level and plain. We came to the middle of the road and kept walking till we reached the hostel. There was no power, no food and no nothing....

A lot of other hostels were submerged too. I had the good fortune of staying on the 7th floor and I was damn sure that it wouldn't rain so heavily that the 7th floor might get submerged.

So I went back to my room , covered myself in blankets , played some soft music and slept peacefully.

By the way, I forgot to mention something;

it was July 26th 2005.Mumbai.


But it rained...........

That’s
I,Me,Myself.

But it Rained ! - Part - I

" Three Young MBA students found Electrocuted in a city bar "

The headline did not catch anybody's attention.

Is it because Life has no Value ( Absolute / Integer).
Is it because MBA has no Value (No Comments !).
Is it because of Indifference ( Hardly makes any difference ).
Is it because we have become Immune to such Incidents
( Immune is not the word, NUMB ).
Is it because the news is not shocking enough
( 440 Volts should be shocking enough ).
Is it because Three is such a small number (Why don't you be the one !).


Society ,Culture ,Politicians, Businesses, Celebrities, Science & Technology , Tourism ,George Bush , Iraq War , Salman Khan , Pervez Musharaff , Michael Jackson .............. should all be blamed.

Oops ! What has Salman Khan, George Bush , Iraq War, Musharraf or Michael Jackson got to do with the Incident.

Sorry , I became a bit Emotional.

The headlines Indeed did not catch anybody's attention because of the simple reason the Incident (almost) never happened.


It was like any other Monday Morning , Dull , Drab & Depressing.No matter how much you cheer yourself up, Mondays will always be Mondays. The hangovers of the Saturday & Sunday Night parties always spills over to Monday. I got the News that the morning classes were canceled. I told myself , So this is how it feels not to have classes on Monday mornings.Once in a while lady luck pays an uncustomary visit to lesser mortals like me. So without much adieu, I fell asleep, skipping my breakfast & lunch ( Sleep is Sacrosanct ).

I remembered that I had to attend a couple of lectures in the evening (Evening means Evening). It was raining and I ended up sleeping till evening. I was late as usual , slipped into my Jeans & T-shirt combo and armed with my state of the art armour which is a fully-automatic portable weapon, designed to fire cartridges in quick succession from an ammunition belt or large-capacity magazine, typically at a rate of several hundred bullets per minute. I also forgot to mention about the most important feature and the only true feature of the armour, It could protect you from Mild / Heavy / Very Heavy Showers , Yes It was my very own State of the Art Umbrella, which I almost & always used to forget. On this ocassion I remembered to tag it along with me and reached the lecture hall amidst mild / heavy Showers, only to realize that the classes have been suspended due to rains. I felt something amiss , this is unusual, rains are something very inherent to mumbai , How could these showers deter our proffs from conducting lectures. I mumbled something and waited in the corridor for a rickshaw to go back to the hostel and finish my sleep , which I had left unfinished.

My batchmates were also waiting to go back to the hostel and the waiting session became a discussion session about latest trends in finance , I said run for your life , I can manage the rains not finance and immediately darted off from the scene. I was walking back and to my surprise, Bumba (Fellow Member of the Elite 6 Pointer club , In summary a fellow hopeless-one) stopped by. He asked me if I wanted to join him to do some shopping for rain gears, I hesitantly agreed and within minutes we were on his bike and in the middle of heavy showers. The visibility was very bad and hence we decided to cut short our visit.

Outside the Campus, we saw some strange things, A lot of people were walking on the road , bus services had come to a grinding halt and no vehicles were to be seen on the roads. The rains became very heavy . We decided to go back to the campus , but also thought that when we have come this far,as well buy some food (Hostel food tastes like feet). So there was a restaurant /bar nearby and we decided to stopby to grab some food and head back to the hostel.


A wild thought struck us........................

Why should we take the trouble of packing the food , taking it back to the hostel and then eating it there ( which will invite competitors ). Lets finish our meal here and then head back to the hostel. We agreed to it and decided to park the vehicle outside and entered the bar. We were drenched completely and entered into the premises which was dimly lit and I forgot to tell you something , there was " Water , Water every where " and it was knee deep. We waded through it and found a table and parked our asses comfortably.


Another wild thought struck us ........................

Now that we have decided to eat , Lets have a booze as well. In that case there is something missing. Two is Company and Three is a group. Booze should essentially be consumed in a group , so lets Invite Nirvana (Fellow Member of the Elite 6 Pointer club , In summary a fellow hopeless-one). Nirvana an ardent and a lifetime member of the booze club, declined the Invitation. We got furious and immediately dragged him from the campus to the bar. Nirvana found the setting a little bit confusing, he found it difficult to wade through knee deep water. We sat down and started ordering our ususal poison.

Outside , it was pouring, water entered into the premises and it was surging beyond the knee , we never noticed any of it and were discussing about World Peace. I guess we were drunk and hardly noticed the changes around us.

The lights flashed for some time (I even thought for once, that Lightning might have struck, but what are our chances !) ,and before we could even realize what was happening, somebody at the other end started shouting " Current Shock, Current Shock".The lights were behaving crazily with an intermittent on and off rhythm.

I felt something underneath , It was an unpleasant feeling and tingling sensation . I realized something was wrong , immediately I cautioned Bumba and Nirvana , to lift their legs from the water. Things became worse when a waiter was hit by a severe shock almost paralysing him temporarily and he dropping all the food and immedaitely clinging on to the chairs nearby. We were all nervous , In about a minute all of us were standing on the table.( Mind it , its a small table and Imagine all three of us standing on it, half drunk. It was Indeed a Balancing act ). We could see everybody else doing the same. All of us were sweating and did not know what to do. The lights were slowly becoming faint, which meant there was power supply and nobody dared to step into the water to check. There was absolute chaos and a few men started abusing the manager ,who had abandoned the bar and had run out of the premises. None of us were ready to get down from the table, so we decide to wait till the power was switched off. As we all stand , waiting for somebody to take a chance , we hear a loud bang !!!! from the kitchen , which gave us the message that the water had entered even the kitchen and there was some casualty for sure.

We waited and every passing minute was like an hour. The wait in fact seemed to be never ending.

I was feeling tipsy and hardly could manage to stand for long. I lost my balance ,


There was a loud Cry for help.....................


to be continued . . .

MBA's Moustache Misadventure

MBA's Moustache Misadventure

A Recent Survey of MBA Grads across the Country reveals that

84 % of the Grads are devoid of any Facial hair ( Including Female Grads ....... )
6 % of the Grads have a Moustache ( Including Female Grads ........ )
9 % have a Goatee ( Excluding Female Grads ............ )
1 % have been Experimenting with all the above three forms ( A good Tactic , to keep the Proffs Guessing )

( Source: The Moustache Times Survey Report 2004-2006 )

Extending the Survey further

Top 5 things NOT to say when asked why are you growing a moustache:


1) Academic Requirement
( To make up for the COURSE CREDITS lost due to insufficient Attendance )

2) Compulsary Class Participation
( Sporting a bushy moustache can decieve the Proffs, It weakens their ability to make out who is Talking )

3) Extra Curricular Requirement + CV Point + List of Personal Achievement
( Valued a lot in Manufacturing Sector, Shop Floor)

4) Industry Experience
(Lateral Placements, The denser the Moustache , the higher the Compensation)

5) Masculinity
( U r so Screwed , Almighty Save U )

Lets not raise an h(air) of commotion !

What is common about MBA , Moustache & Misadventure ? They all begin with the letter M , but for me there is a story associated with the three Intertwined together.

My Moustache

Days of Growth : 2190 Days , Wrought out of intense and tragic experiences.
Colour : Black
Symmetry : Slightly Asymmetrical (Approximately 2.03 % )
Density : Pretty Dense
Characteristic : Darker, Fuller & Very Pronounced.
Striking Feature : Always Accompanied by a glittering infectious smile.

Died a Tragic Death at the hands of a Hairdresser inside the Campus.

How did it happen ?

It was Almost a Month since I joined the Business School , My moustache had started trespassing into other areas.It suddenly occured to me, one sunny afternoon , that I badly needed a haircut & had to trim my moustache and asked Nippy if he wanted to join me.

Nippy ( Who the Hell is Nippy ?)

Nippy was infact a Hippy. A Computer Science Engineer , originally hailing from Sikkim.He was fairer than the fairer sex and sported long & spiky hairs. I would say, at times he would resemble "Jackie Chan" or maybe Its an understatement or maybe I was too drunk typing this ( If I were too drunk , I would have called him "Lucy Liu" ).

He had worked for a couple of years before joining the School of Management. A total teetotaller is the most appropriate antonym, one could use to very accurately describe him.
( He is remembered to this day as one of the True founding member of the Booze Club, FOR MORE INFORMATION ON BOOZE CLUB , PLEASE READ MY POST ON BOOZE CLUB)

His mood was always Indescribable and he would pounce on anybody remotely resembling a prey.

"Alcohol & Not Blood ,runs in my Veins " was his Battle Cry.

I happened to meet this chap during the first few days of my hostel life and indeed spent a great deal of time with him then.

Back to The Saloon Story.

It so happened that Nippy also wanted to get a haircut and joined me in the hunt for a Hirdressing Saloon inside the Campus. We reached the Saloon after making a few enquiries here & there.

The saloon resembled an old cottage ,There were three Swivel chairs and a small bench to accomodate those who had to wait.
A few magazines lay strewn around , like Financial Management Weekly , Operation Research Daily, Human Resources Hourly ( Just Kidding ) . The Typical ones were Film-Bare, Star-Bust & Surprisingly (Femina & Cosmopolitan). I wondered these hairdressers knew their Target Segments very well. I randomly picked up one & started reading it.
( No way ! I was infact greedily waiting for the Cosmoplitan Magazine which had a hot model in a Bikini , sitting on a car or something. Now who the hell cares what she was sitting on , I wouldn't mind even if she were sitting on a Rhinoceros or an Octopus and Crying " Help , Help , Help").

I started dreaming about the model, What an Interesting Life she must be having ( I guess , "Interesting " is not the word , We all know what kind of Life she must be having , (Lets pretend !!).

Somebody disturbed my dream, Nope , It wasn't the Bikini model ,Not the Octopus, I guess Octopus would have been fine too ... , It was the Old man. He must be in his late fifties or early sixties and had himself forgotten to get his tresses trimmed. He was sporting long hairs and was kind of Impatient. ( Oops ! Now I understand , Why he was so Impatient )

Nippy somehow sensed that the old man was Impatient and very conveniently avoided him and got a young chap to style his hairs , & I had to inevitably stick with this old man.

He asked me time & again what I wanted.

I lost my cool,I wanted to ask him ,can u get Me a " Onion Utappam and some chutney " .
Why the hell does one come to a hairdresser , To attend MDP (Management Development Programmes) ?

I mumbled something and started dreaming again . I guess I was irritated because he disturbed me during my dream , the model in the Bikini , was still waiting to give me a chance to join her along with the Octopus or Rhinoceros whichever being appropriate. I was about to dive into the Sea with the model & the Octopus , The Old man disturbed me again.

I finally made up my mind , I decided to give him Standing Instructions & not to disturb me until asked to.

So I gave him a Series of Instructions.

1) Hairs - Medium Cut , blah , blah , blah
( I did not have a consistent hair style , everytime the hairdresser would Discover something New for Me, So it did not matter much.)

2) Moustache - Trim ( Thats It , I did not utter anything else )

I asked him to " Trim " my Moustache ( did it by any chance sound , raze it to ground level or Mean sea level)
I used to utter the same words in my Home town & the hairdressers there did a decent job of trimming the excess hairs.
And Mind U , in south India hairdressers never experiment with Customers moustaches. It has led to, gang wars , feudal clashes & Uprisings.

Coming Back to reality..........

This old man took an electric razor from his battle kit & even before I could notice it or say a word , Had done what he had to.

I did not understand what happened. I looked into the mirror and met this complete stranger staring at me. Dude its Me , What happened to me , I look so different....

Nippy got down from his chair & started laughing, He infact was roaring with Laughter. He laughed so loudly , that the hairdressers forgot that they have committed a mistake & joined him in the laugh riot.I wanted to kick Nippy's ass, but somehow avoided it because ( Nippy knew Karate , Kungfu , Shaolin , Schezwan , Manchurian & Sushi).

I was thoroughly confused , I did not know how to respond , the old man distanced himself from me , I was now furious , I gave the old man an earful , but how does it matter. He was partially deaf ( when I discovered that, I decided to shut up).

I walked back to the hostel after paying the hairdresser his rightful due. I did tip him ( After all , It wasn't just the old man's mistake).

Walking back to the hostel , I cheered myself ( I had a new look and a New beginning ..)

My only worry was ,

"Will the model in the Bikini , still go out with me on the Octopus / Rhinoceros. "


Thats

I , Me , Myself.

(c) Kandy 2007.

Jack of All Trade : Master of General Management ( The Final Part )

Human Resource Management was Pathetic helplessness to me !

"If you don't leap, you'll never know what it's like to fly."
said some wisecrack , I am the kind ,who would make sure if the parachute on my back is not just a Haversack.

So let me Introduce you to HRM

(The Subject which changed the face of Humanity in my class).

I liked the subject very much , Infact I had a pretty decent hold on the subject , but I never knew why ?

(Motivation : HR Continuum and a host of other HR related Events in the campus, A Number of visitors (read : Females, Chicks, Babes) who were very alien to our campus, participated in large number for such events for reasons I can never comprehend ,but it helped me to sustain my interest in the subject. I did aspire to take up some subjects for Specialization , but due to lack of good company for Abstract Conversations (Read: mismatch in attractiveness & feasibility factors of fellow companions) had to abandon the idea.

So , What is Human Resource Management all about ?

Thats the most absurd elementary question , I have ever heard.

The Subject,in my own words, can be articulated as " The Sentiment of Mankind "
( also Womankind , without any prejudice)

Honestly speaking , I dont know and will never know what the above sentence means and Please do not worry about who coined it , coz Its Me .

By and Large , I had figured out How to deal with the subject.

1) If you wanted to delay the class quizzes, ask some Radical Questions during case discussions like ( Why dont we fire the Employee who came late to the office).

First of all the prof would return a cold Gaze of anxiety as if u had fired him and would try to search for the miserable soul amidst the sea of " Emotionally Impaired " Individuals to beat him to pulp.
This would stir up a debate and one could always enjoy it sitting and watching the fun from the last bench.

2) Never use your Analytical Skills ( You will again be considered "Emotionally Incompetent")

3) Use the word "It Depends " a lot , It gives you elbow space to wriggle urself out of hostile situations.

Typical Examples would be

Example 1:

Prof : " What do you think you will do when you encounter such a situation ?

I : "You see, one has to consider a lot of extraneous factors , blah blah blah "
"It depends " whether you want to take action or not ...........


Example 2:

Now, observe, my drift

Prof : " So How about Disciplinary Action against you , for Not having sufficient attendance "

I : "You see, one has to consider a lot of extraneous factors blah blah blah "
"It depends " whether you want to take action or not ...........

Me : Oopsie ! What in the name of @#$% was I thinking ! Almighty Save my Ass !


Myself : Hey Buddy , Remove ur Earplugs , try and understand the question
Sense the context & Tone..... .
Its not a reflex action , u jackass.

I hope u get the drift.

So Never Answer the Questions (Instantaneously , or as a Reflex Action). Act as if u r thinking, take some time to ponder and then give the same answer. I am just kidding !!! ( But It works )

5) Never use Jargons with the Profs (Its a very bad Idea , u will surely miss your lunch or Dinner sometimes Both)

6) There can never never be a Right or a Wrong answer. Because the Prof always has the Perfect answer.

7) Never Worry about Class Quizzes & Exams , Because the Subject is so Subjective that the "Most Prepared Individual is as unprepared as the Most Unprepared Individual".

being an optimist myself, I will rephrase it to

"The Most Unprepared Individual is as prepared as the Most Prepared Individual"

Let me narrate an incident...........

I specialized in what I call psychological war.. I mean, who the hell gets reference books to study before an HR exam, when the text book itself seems #@$% but No, I was sitting in my den, amidst a sea of HR reference books.......... and Bang !

Kaustav Enters

Kaustav would ask "Tu kya kar raha hai mama” which infact was our common despairing refrain and I would answer in all earnestness ”No yaar, see this definition is given so beautifully in that book.. now when u combine Prof's notes with that.. It will be an unbeatable combination ...... what say ”

So after all this, Kaustav decides to park himself beside me during the exams, safe in the knowledge that if u just reproduce (‘copy’is such a rude word, don’t u think ?) whatever I am writing, he is safe… now picture this..the exam starts,

Kaustav whispers to me ”show, u bugger..” and then he hears an almost apologetic voice

”yaar, definition ka first line yaad nahi aa raha hai.. , sab kuch bhool gaya ”


Moral

So really don't bother too much about the exams. Your chances are 50-50 so are others.......

I guess the prof laments to this day and had abandoned all hopes of teaching the subject after We ended up Getting Good Grades in his subject .......

8) Your chances of becoming a case study are pretty high

"CASE STUDY - Kaustav"

The prof used to quote examples about a number of students, who were asked to leave the School because they could not manage a minimum of 6 CGPI. The prof infact had done a case study on the same and had hinted that , there was always scope for increasing the entries in the list.

Kaustav always used to picture his name in that list .............


What Kaustav had to say about HR

"Human resources was a class I looked forward to. I suspect a lot of students in my class did too. We were disarmed by the stories from friends in other B-schools how HR was a harmless and peaceful respite from the challenges of say Quant, or particularly Finance .But that was normal and that happened in other schools, not down here in the trench. By the time I realized it , we were a DD down(practically that’s as good as a fail. In fact there is a point of opinion that a fail grade would have been better than a DD)

And then the shit hit the fan. We had a class quiz on some HR question, to which there cannot be any right answer, and ergo, so Prof thought that all the answers were wrong. After getting a score of 0/5 I was not disconsolate, I was numb. It didn’t make any sense to me and to neither of my other classmates who were in a similar situation. I met mama staring at his paper as if the marks would change automatically if only he stared long and hard enough. The only person cool in the class was Mr. Bumba who had slept through the class in his hostel room and hence not taken the test.

The pattern did not change in the final exam of that semester as our group was ruthlessly demolished in the term. so we decided to apply the old oil, and that too in barrelfuls.

The next semester was a bit critical for us with me hanging by a thread and the Prof armed with a 6 grade course and holding our fates so to speak in his paws. Our routine never wavered…. we even drew lots to find out who had the unpleasant duty that day.. it consisted of one team member sidling up to his room and ask him all sorts of questions on the subject of HR, about which he knew nothing and personal relations, about which his knowledge extended into the negative. But some other teams had hit upon the same idea, and it was disgusting to see that the bloody 9-pointers had adopted the same strategy and was actually applying it better than us ! "


10) And Finally

The subject was a lot Inhuman when compared to other subjects. Some of my fellow Classmates did try to make frantic calls to the NHRC ( National Human Rights Commission) for the treatment sought out to them. Nonetheless we had to go back and de-evolve to Savagery & Barbarism from the so called Civilized lot we were.


Inspite of all these , The Subject was amazing in its own way. It essentially dealt with people.
I was fortunate that I was exposed to it and enjoyed the subject a lot.

Finally Summarizing ( If you could Excuse me ) For all the Gyan on My Specializations

I Guess I was neither good at any nor bad at any.

No wonder , the phrase

"Jack of all Trade , Master of General Management "


Thats

I , Me, Myself

With Inputs from Kautsav.

(c) Kandy 2007.

Jack of All Trade : Master of General Management ( Part -II )

Sales & Marketing

Sales & Marketing was adorable vanity to me !

Lets go back in time, When I was selling Potato Wafers in the Gallery of Chinnaswamy Cricket Stadium in Bangalore during an India - Australia Cricket Match. It was an all-together different Experience , but something worthwhile remembering because Mind u , its not easy to sell wafers in the gallery to a crowd which goes crazy with every Delivery and partly because I was blocking their line of sight


In the end they had to buy my wafers to get rid of me ( An ass that won't Quit !)

Whatever be the case !!!! I achieved fulfilment of purpose........

At the end of the day I found that I had a small aptitude for sales.
Strangely it's true !!


Coming back to my Specialization, A lot of Clubs were formed in the beginning of the Course, We had a Marketing Club for Marketing Enthusiasts, Finance Club & so on . The Best part of these Clubs were that ,before the Clubs were formed or even before the Objectives were defined, We had a Rigid & Frigid Organization Structure in Place. I had no Idea whatsoever and did manage to gain entry into it. Getting into any of these Clubs was not Easy , One had to WORK - and work Really Hard to get in. I promised I will deliver, but ran shy of performing.

" Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now "

Found it very fulfilling to be Instantly Gratified!


I had picked up a few Subjects in Marketing , but found it too abstract & at times too Interesting. The Fun in Sales & Marketing is that you get to travel a lot. I loved to Travel and hence thought it would be a Strategic Fit. So got an opportunity to take up a Marketing based Summer Project.

I started dreaming of Travelling to Delhi , Kolkata , Chennai , Bangalore and
Andamans (for the sake of Snorkeling) .......


I was myself Surprised, I confess.

I ended up in this Remote Village in TamilNadu , Travelling in a munsiff bus with this man standing next to me , dark & muscular, dressed in a red colored fish net vest and had draped himself with a solid-colored LUNGI ( A garment worn around the waist, particularly popular in regions where the heat and humidity create an unpleasant climate for trousers. A simple double knot and a belt on it to ensure that the lungi doesn't slip or come undone) A startling and unfortunate digression with a long tangle of avoidable details , but is relevant to the story.

This chap with a huge moustache (Like a bi-cycle Handle bar) and a bunch of beaded talismans around his arms and neck had sacred vermillion smeared all across his forehead which infact had no clear boundaries and had ventured a few inches beyond his forehead to reach his bald pate. There is nothing overstated in this description.

And Guess what, he had Company !!

All I could gather from overhearing to their Conversation was that , her name was Visalam.

She was young and looked very Innocent. A couple of shades Darker but had silky skin , the highlight was the sparkle in her eyes. She stood Coyly next to him. It appeared as if it was a mercenary marriage. She kept avoiding eye contacts and he was all the while trying to lay his hands on her. The entire bus watched them with anxiety and helpless anger ! I was one of them too.

I wished I could kick the moustache man and free her from his clutches, But Reality Bites and thank heavens that I was rational, sane, sound, and sensible. This man had a Sickle Which was drawn in length to accomodate more heads in each sweep. Good that I saw the Sickle before questioning him. I instantly became dumb & partially deaf.The bus took a winding route and the G forces did help him to stay close to her. I was furious .........

I Immediately thought of a Plan !

How is this Story Relevant to my SPECIALIZATION ? Who said it is !

Sorry ! Coming Back to my Specialization ( Where we left it ) I wanted to Know if I could ever fit into Sales & marketing and tried my hand at selling Agricultural Consultancy Services over the Internet to the farmers in Rural Maharashtra , I was not entirely succesful until I visted the remote rural landscapes of Maharashtra and started talking to the farmers personally, trying to sell these services. I had this wonderful opportunity to stay in these inhospitable conditions with the mercury soaring to heights of no return. I had a series of Focus Group Discussions and tried hard to understand their problems. Finally I was exposed to certain harsh realities about their needs.I finally prepared a report which now focussed on certain fundamental issues , which if addressed would lead to the succesful selling of these Services.There was only a murmur of Satisfaction and I felt good about it.

In about 15 to 20 days people had started recognizing me , I was popular ( because of my dressing ),the Panchyat , Gram Sabha members started recognizing me.The small tea shop under the (Banyan or Peepal or Some) tree near the bus shelter started offering me credit.

By the end of the project I had made a few friends and learnt a few lessons too .....

I discovered that Sales & Marketing " It is about People & their Needs "

I still havent figured out whether I fit in or I don't.......

But both my projects earned me appreciation from the Corporate & Academia. I leave history to judge on that.


And coming back to the Moustache Man , Visalam paid a concise tribute , she kicked him and ran away from the bus.


But, wait, you haven't heard the end


Visalam , The poor creature ran away to join her herd.





To Continue ...........

Jack of All Trade: Master of General Management

Jack of All Trade: Master of General Management

Sounds pretty sophisticated huh ...., it wasn't all that sophisticated for me.
I have been puzzling over this dilemma for quite sometime and it was about my Specialization.

So Let us try to unravel the mystery surrounding my Specialization.

I always thought of myself to be a Generalist more than a Specialist. I generally don’t trust my first impressions , but I surely trust my second , not the third , of-course the fourth , I hope u get the drift …… I cannot stop to give u the details……

So what made me think, I am a Generalist? I have a hundred reasons for thinking so ,
Don’t get me started on that …

I remember having read somewhere that a Generalist is somebody who knows SOMETHING about EVERYTHING. I was sure that I knew SOMETHING but was, equally sure that it was about SOMETHING and not EVERYTHING. In principle I was not a Generalist or a Specialist. I belonged to a species called MINI-MALIST which essentially meant I was equipped with what was required to get oneself out of trouble if one ended up in it accidentally.
I leave history to judge on that…

My Colleagues used to discuss a lot about Specialization. The General Discussions were circling around choosing a specific Stream or a combination in order to secure an edge. To me it was more of a babbling gossip which I had to endure because I had no choice sometimes.

So I decided to take the plunge , explore the Void , experience the Alien Splendor
( somebody please ask me to shut up …)

What I am actually attempting to explain here is that My Motivation was not precisely what it should have been

My First Crush

FINANCE ( It was Aimless confusion to me )

And here allow me to call your attention

( My Motivation was ) :

Investment Banking , Now I did not understand what it meant , I was misled by the abbreviation (IB), at times I also thought it to be a coveted job in the Intelligence Bureau ,but later realized how Ignorant I was.I had finally understood that it was indeed a whole big a deal to become one.

I have no intention of being offensive, All I could understand about IB was

a>A Front Office Job in New York
b>A Fat –Fatter –Fattest Pay Package
c>Always had to Suit up
d>To sell one's soul to the devil.

I recall from a Guest Lecture that IB was very much similar to the infamous quote
“Saaala itna kaaaam hain ki Jeene nahin deta aur Saaala itna paisaa hain ki marne nahin deta “

Now I was neither interested in the Kaaam or the Paisaa .

Coming back to Finance

The only thing I liked about Finance was that it talked a lot about MONEY , BIG MONEY and Yeah A LOT OF MONEY ...... It was always fun to hear people say “Its all about Money”.
Not to sound too philosophical because I am an unphilosophical dreamer, I was not entirely convinced about the fact that Life circled around money to the extent that other things in life were left behind in the race.


But I liked the course because it dealt with Absolutes, I could conclusively arrive at a solution based on which I could decide whether to go ahead or back-off.

Allow me to tell a story

I had performed miserably in Financial Management I & II and my hunger to master (Oops! Did I say master the subject , No way !!! I meant understanding the fundamentals ) this subject was still not satiated. So I took a Big leap by taking a Hardcore Finance Subject as my Elective.

The First day of the class the prof said he was really surprised to see so many non-finance individuals interested in the subject.
My Heart Skipped a Beat .........

He then reiterated that , this course required a lot of dedication and a strong understanding of the fundamentals. I was ready to do all the hard work but to get a grasp on the subject within such short span of time was a challenge.

The Prof immediately handed over the Course outline and Gradation Scheme. The course outline ran into pages and pages. I started feeling a bit uneasy

He then started of with the classes, I tried very hard to concentrate on the lecture despite my occasional digressions for a rendezvous with myself. The Lecture was indeed a bouncy track, with a lot of in-swingers, out-swingers, bouncers & beamers, I stood there with defenseless innocence. I had made up mind, No matter what happens, I am not leaving the field.

So I tried and Prepared well in advance for the next class and was ready with my cases too.

A digressional adventure ( Its relevant to the story). My class had guys whose name ended with “ deep “ like Xdeep, Ydeep etc..


A bunch of these guys had also enrolled for the course and were mysteriously absconding in the subsequent classes.

So coming back to the second class

After finding all the “deep”s missing from the list …………

The prof reasoned out that these individuals were barren in Intellect for Finance and hence had abandoned the course.

Now the prof does a roll call , when he came across my Name , He started a chat with me

Prof : Good to find out that you are still here , Deepak. I am Glad that there is atleast one “Deep” ( Hindi Equivalent for Light) in the class to provide light.

Me : Thank You Sir ( I am standing dumb with admiration , sometimes without admiration tooo……).

I : hmmmmmmmmmm ( Did I make the Right Decision , to stick to this class, coz , I am still not familiar with the concepts).

Myself : hmmmmmmmmm ( He is holding a huge book , full of cases and assignments, which u will never understand till eternity , Run for your Life , Its Now or Never).

Again a rough session with a lot of in-swingers and out-swingers, more of bouncers. I got injured a couple of times (when the prof started involving me in the discussions and asked a series of questions).

The death blow came after the class, when the prof gave another bunch of readings and a big textbook full of cases to be used for subsequent classes .


I came back to the hostel with a heavy heart, I am torn, I realized that I am in the middle of nowhere. The subject was becoming more of a hindrance than of a help. It started having side-effects , I couldn’t concentrate on my other subjects ( I am indeed lying).

The next class was on the following morning.

Time : 8:30 a.m
Venue: CR 1

The Entire class has assembled, the Prof is waiting and is about to begin the class, I I am still not in my seat , The Class is still dark without the only “Deep’”


Knock Knock

Prof : Answers the Door

Any Guesses ???





Peon : Hands over a revised list of students for the Course


But, wait, you haven't heard the end

Without a twinge of embarrassment, I was happily sleeping on my Bed.
I did leave a mark on that class, I stole away their only source of light and left them in
eternal DARKNESS.

I slept very peacefully till the pangs of hunger, woke me up for my Dinner.

I got up and went to the Night Canteen............

To be Continued…………….