MBA's Moustache Misadventure

MBA's Moustache Misadventure

A Recent Survey of MBA Grads across the Country reveals that

84 % of the Grads are devoid of any Facial hair ( Including Female Grads ....... )
6 % of the Grads have a Moustache ( Including Female Grads ........ )
9 % have a Goatee ( Excluding Female Grads ............ )
1 % have been Experimenting with all the above three forms ( A good Tactic , to keep the Proffs Guessing )

( Source: The Moustache Times Survey Report 2004-2006 )

Extending the Survey further

Top 5 things NOT to say when asked why are you growing a moustache:


1) Academic Requirement
( To make up for the COURSE CREDITS lost due to insufficient Attendance )

2) Compulsary Class Participation
( Sporting a bushy moustache can decieve the Proffs, It weakens their ability to make out who is Talking )

3) Extra Curricular Requirement + CV Point + List of Personal Achievement
( Valued a lot in Manufacturing Sector, Shop Floor)

4) Industry Experience
(Lateral Placements, The denser the Moustache , the higher the Compensation)

5) Masculinity
( U r so Screwed , Almighty Save U )

Lets not raise an h(air) of commotion !

What is common about MBA , Moustache & Misadventure ? They all begin with the letter M , but for me there is a story associated with the three Intertwined together.

My Moustache

Days of Growth : 2190 Days , Wrought out of intense and tragic experiences.
Colour : Black
Symmetry : Slightly Asymmetrical (Approximately 2.03 % )
Density : Pretty Dense
Characteristic : Darker, Fuller & Very Pronounced.
Striking Feature : Always Accompanied by a glittering infectious smile.

Died a Tragic Death at the hands of a Hairdresser inside the Campus.

How did it happen ?

It was Almost a Month since I joined the Business School , My moustache had started trespassing into other areas.It suddenly occured to me, one sunny afternoon , that I badly needed a haircut & had to trim my moustache and asked Nippy if he wanted to join me.

Nippy ( Who the Hell is Nippy ?)

Nippy was infact a Hippy. A Computer Science Engineer , originally hailing from Sikkim.He was fairer than the fairer sex and sported long & spiky hairs. I would say, at times he would resemble "Jackie Chan" or maybe Its an understatement or maybe I was too drunk typing this ( If I were too drunk , I would have called him "Lucy Liu" ).

He had worked for a couple of years before joining the School of Management. A total teetotaller is the most appropriate antonym, one could use to very accurately describe him.
( He is remembered to this day as one of the True founding member of the Booze Club, FOR MORE INFORMATION ON BOOZE CLUB , PLEASE READ MY POST ON BOOZE CLUB)

His mood was always Indescribable and he would pounce on anybody remotely resembling a prey.

"Alcohol & Not Blood ,runs in my Veins " was his Battle Cry.

I happened to meet this chap during the first few days of my hostel life and indeed spent a great deal of time with him then.

Back to The Saloon Story.

It so happened that Nippy also wanted to get a haircut and joined me in the hunt for a Hirdressing Saloon inside the Campus. We reached the Saloon after making a few enquiries here & there.

The saloon resembled an old cottage ,There were three Swivel chairs and a small bench to accomodate those who had to wait.
A few magazines lay strewn around , like Financial Management Weekly , Operation Research Daily, Human Resources Hourly ( Just Kidding ) . The Typical ones were Film-Bare, Star-Bust & Surprisingly (Femina & Cosmopolitan). I wondered these hairdressers knew their Target Segments very well. I randomly picked up one & started reading it.
( No way ! I was infact greedily waiting for the Cosmoplitan Magazine which had a hot model in a Bikini , sitting on a car or something. Now who the hell cares what she was sitting on , I wouldn't mind even if she were sitting on a Rhinoceros or an Octopus and Crying " Help , Help , Help").

I started dreaming about the model, What an Interesting Life she must be having ( I guess , "Interesting " is not the word , We all know what kind of Life she must be having , (Lets pretend !!).

Somebody disturbed my dream, Nope , It wasn't the Bikini model ,Not the Octopus, I guess Octopus would have been fine too ... , It was the Old man. He must be in his late fifties or early sixties and had himself forgotten to get his tresses trimmed. He was sporting long hairs and was kind of Impatient. ( Oops ! Now I understand , Why he was so Impatient )

Nippy somehow sensed that the old man was Impatient and very conveniently avoided him and got a young chap to style his hairs , & I had to inevitably stick with this old man.

He asked me time & again what I wanted.

I lost my cool,I wanted to ask him ,can u get Me a " Onion Utappam and some chutney " .
Why the hell does one come to a hairdresser , To attend MDP (Management Development Programmes) ?

I mumbled something and started dreaming again . I guess I was irritated because he disturbed me during my dream , the model in the Bikini , was still waiting to give me a chance to join her along with the Octopus or Rhinoceros whichever being appropriate. I was about to dive into the Sea with the model & the Octopus , The Old man disturbed me again.

I finally made up my mind , I decided to give him Standing Instructions & not to disturb me until asked to.

So I gave him a Series of Instructions.

1) Hairs - Medium Cut , blah , blah , blah
( I did not have a consistent hair style , everytime the hairdresser would Discover something New for Me, So it did not matter much.)

2) Moustache - Trim ( Thats It , I did not utter anything else )

I asked him to " Trim " my Moustache ( did it by any chance sound , raze it to ground level or Mean sea level)
I used to utter the same words in my Home town & the hairdressers there did a decent job of trimming the excess hairs.
And Mind U , in south India hairdressers never experiment with Customers moustaches. It has led to, gang wars , feudal clashes & Uprisings.

Coming Back to reality..........

This old man took an electric razor from his battle kit & even before I could notice it or say a word , Had done what he had to.

I did not understand what happened. I looked into the mirror and met this complete stranger staring at me. Dude its Me , What happened to me , I look so different....

Nippy got down from his chair & started laughing, He infact was roaring with Laughter. He laughed so loudly , that the hairdressers forgot that they have committed a mistake & joined him in the laugh riot.I wanted to kick Nippy's ass, but somehow avoided it because ( Nippy knew Karate , Kungfu , Shaolin , Schezwan , Manchurian & Sushi).

I was thoroughly confused , I did not know how to respond , the old man distanced himself from me , I was now furious , I gave the old man an earful , but how does it matter. He was partially deaf ( when I discovered that, I decided to shut up).

I walked back to the hostel after paying the hairdresser his rightful due. I did tip him ( After all , It wasn't just the old man's mistake).

Walking back to the hostel , I cheered myself ( I had a new look and a New beginning ..)

My only worry was ,

"Will the model in the Bikini , still go out with me on the Octopus / Rhinoceros. "


Thats

I , Me , Myself.

(c) Kandy 2007.

Jack of All Trade : Master of General Management ( The Final Part )

Human Resource Management was Pathetic helplessness to me !

"If you don't leap, you'll never know what it's like to fly."
said some wisecrack , I am the kind ,who would make sure if the parachute on my back is not just a Haversack.

So let me Introduce you to HRM

(The Subject which changed the face of Humanity in my class).

I liked the subject very much , Infact I had a pretty decent hold on the subject , but I never knew why ?

(Motivation : HR Continuum and a host of other HR related Events in the campus, A Number of visitors (read : Females, Chicks, Babes) who were very alien to our campus, participated in large number for such events for reasons I can never comprehend ,but it helped me to sustain my interest in the subject. I did aspire to take up some subjects for Specialization , but due to lack of good company for Abstract Conversations (Read: mismatch in attractiveness & feasibility factors of fellow companions) had to abandon the idea.

So , What is Human Resource Management all about ?

Thats the most absurd elementary question , I have ever heard.

The Subject,in my own words, can be articulated as " The Sentiment of Mankind "
( also Womankind , without any prejudice)

Honestly speaking , I dont know and will never know what the above sentence means and Please do not worry about who coined it , coz Its Me .

By and Large , I had figured out How to deal with the subject.

1) If you wanted to delay the class quizzes, ask some Radical Questions during case discussions like ( Why dont we fire the Employee who came late to the office).

First of all the prof would return a cold Gaze of anxiety as if u had fired him and would try to search for the miserable soul amidst the sea of " Emotionally Impaired " Individuals to beat him to pulp.
This would stir up a debate and one could always enjoy it sitting and watching the fun from the last bench.

2) Never use your Analytical Skills ( You will again be considered "Emotionally Incompetent")

3) Use the word "It Depends " a lot , It gives you elbow space to wriggle urself out of hostile situations.

Typical Examples would be

Example 1:

Prof : " What do you think you will do when you encounter such a situation ?

I : "You see, one has to consider a lot of extraneous factors , blah blah blah "
"It depends " whether you want to take action or not ...........


Example 2:

Now, observe, my drift

Prof : " So How about Disciplinary Action against you , for Not having sufficient attendance "

I : "You see, one has to consider a lot of extraneous factors blah blah blah "
"It depends " whether you want to take action or not ...........

Me : Oopsie ! What in the name of @#$% was I thinking ! Almighty Save my Ass !


Myself : Hey Buddy , Remove ur Earplugs , try and understand the question
Sense the context & Tone..... .
Its not a reflex action , u jackass.

I hope u get the drift.

So Never Answer the Questions (Instantaneously , or as a Reflex Action). Act as if u r thinking, take some time to ponder and then give the same answer. I am just kidding !!! ( But It works )

5) Never use Jargons with the Profs (Its a very bad Idea , u will surely miss your lunch or Dinner sometimes Both)

6) There can never never be a Right or a Wrong answer. Because the Prof always has the Perfect answer.

7) Never Worry about Class Quizzes & Exams , Because the Subject is so Subjective that the "Most Prepared Individual is as unprepared as the Most Unprepared Individual".

being an optimist myself, I will rephrase it to

"The Most Unprepared Individual is as prepared as the Most Prepared Individual"

Let me narrate an incident...........

I specialized in what I call psychological war.. I mean, who the hell gets reference books to study before an HR exam, when the text book itself seems #@$% but No, I was sitting in my den, amidst a sea of HR reference books.......... and Bang !

Kaustav Enters

Kaustav would ask "Tu kya kar raha hai mama” which infact was our common despairing refrain and I would answer in all earnestness ”No yaar, see this definition is given so beautifully in that book.. now when u combine Prof's notes with that.. It will be an unbeatable combination ...... what say ”

So after all this, Kaustav decides to park himself beside me during the exams, safe in the knowledge that if u just reproduce (‘copy’is such a rude word, don’t u think ?) whatever I am writing, he is safe… now picture this..the exam starts,

Kaustav whispers to me ”show, u bugger..” and then he hears an almost apologetic voice

”yaar, definition ka first line yaad nahi aa raha hai.. , sab kuch bhool gaya ”


Moral

So really don't bother too much about the exams. Your chances are 50-50 so are others.......

I guess the prof laments to this day and had abandoned all hopes of teaching the subject after We ended up Getting Good Grades in his subject .......

8) Your chances of becoming a case study are pretty high

"CASE STUDY - Kaustav"

The prof used to quote examples about a number of students, who were asked to leave the School because they could not manage a minimum of 6 CGPI. The prof infact had done a case study on the same and had hinted that , there was always scope for increasing the entries in the list.

Kaustav always used to picture his name in that list .............


What Kaustav had to say about HR

"Human resources was a class I looked forward to. I suspect a lot of students in my class did too. We were disarmed by the stories from friends in other B-schools how HR was a harmless and peaceful respite from the challenges of say Quant, or particularly Finance .But that was normal and that happened in other schools, not down here in the trench. By the time I realized it , we were a DD down(practically that’s as good as a fail. In fact there is a point of opinion that a fail grade would have been better than a DD)

And then the shit hit the fan. We had a class quiz on some HR question, to which there cannot be any right answer, and ergo, so Prof thought that all the answers were wrong. After getting a score of 0/5 I was not disconsolate, I was numb. It didn’t make any sense to me and to neither of my other classmates who were in a similar situation. I met mama staring at his paper as if the marks would change automatically if only he stared long and hard enough. The only person cool in the class was Mr. Bumba who had slept through the class in his hostel room and hence not taken the test.

The pattern did not change in the final exam of that semester as our group was ruthlessly demolished in the term. so we decided to apply the old oil, and that too in barrelfuls.

The next semester was a bit critical for us with me hanging by a thread and the Prof armed with a 6 grade course and holding our fates so to speak in his paws. Our routine never wavered…. we even drew lots to find out who had the unpleasant duty that day.. it consisted of one team member sidling up to his room and ask him all sorts of questions on the subject of HR, about which he knew nothing and personal relations, about which his knowledge extended into the negative. But some other teams had hit upon the same idea, and it was disgusting to see that the bloody 9-pointers had adopted the same strategy and was actually applying it better than us ! "


10) And Finally

The subject was a lot Inhuman when compared to other subjects. Some of my fellow Classmates did try to make frantic calls to the NHRC ( National Human Rights Commission) for the treatment sought out to them. Nonetheless we had to go back and de-evolve to Savagery & Barbarism from the so called Civilized lot we were.


Inspite of all these , The Subject was amazing in its own way. It essentially dealt with people.
I was fortunate that I was exposed to it and enjoyed the subject a lot.

Finally Summarizing ( If you could Excuse me ) For all the Gyan on My Specializations

I Guess I was neither good at any nor bad at any.

No wonder , the phrase

"Jack of all Trade , Master of General Management "


Thats

I , Me, Myself

With Inputs from Kautsav.

(c) Kandy 2007.